Harry Potter and the Fearsome Conversion
by Bag Mantis
Summary: Harry Potter matches wits with the new Hogwarts professor, who is as refined as she is delicate.


"I won't stand here and be lectured by some upstart whelp who doesn't know the love of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!" the furious mountain of a woman screamed at Harry Potter, a small globule of saliva being ejected from her terrifying mouth and gracefully arcing onto his robe. "It's quite clear to me that you don't believe in the same God I do, Mr. Potter." 

"Yes I do…" the frightened Harry stammered. "I celebrate Christmas here at Hogwarts, so I must be a Christian, I guess." 

"Don't hide behind your inane commercial worship with me; you're just trying to cover up your occultist sacrileges!"   


Victoria Mupplehuppets had come to Hogwarts that year as the school's new Professor of Faith and Cultural Studies. The position had struck Harry as strange at the time, as it didn't seem to fit in with the regular curriculum. Dumbledore had told the students that Hogwarts was seeking to create more well-rounded wizards, who could better fit into the rapidly-changing world of wizardry in the 21st century. Professor Mupplehuppets had been selected for the assignment because it was believed she could provide a more alternative view of the practice of magic. 

"Mr. Potter, you must know that any use of the arcane arts of magic is a total affront to the Holy Spirit, and an abomination before the eyes of God." Harry let out a weak sigh as his shoulders dropped. He could tell that Professor Mupplehuppets didn't much fancy him, and feared these encounters they'd been having did not bode well for his marks this term. 

He tried to placate her somewhat, "Well, maybe God likes magic. You know, that's why he made us wizards." Mupplehuppets let out an indignant scoff, her nostrils flaring dangerously as she did so. "God indeed likes magic, Mr. Potter. He likes it so much that he aims to ensure that only he has dominion of its practice. He's not afraid to wave his divine wand of retribution and unleash a holy hell storm upon the earth, or summon an enchanted flood to quench the unholy thirst that is the sin of unbelievers. But the good Lord gets positively miffed when acolytes of Satan like yourself practice the devil's handiwork in the Lord's name." 

"Does this mean you didn't like my essay on the benefits of magic in our daily lives?" an exasperated Harry asked. 

"Because I'm in a righteously generous mood," the educator quaked, "I will award you a D, for demonic." Harry started to protest, but was unable to get past his overpowering adolescent fears of how his whining might look to the other students. 

"Ah, not performing up to snuff today, are we Potter?" a snide and contented voice said from behind. Harry turned to see the grinning face of Draco Malfoy. 

"Ah, Mr. Malfoy," Mupplehuppets began, "I very much enjoyed your essay on how magic can be used to destroy and subjugate those that get in your way. God would be proud of your assertive and prejudiced manner in which you advocate spreading your beliefs." Malfoy thanked her profusely, making sure to adjust his newly purchased crucifix as he did. Harry angrily headed back to his seat to brood in silence and cultivate the victim complex he was working on. 

"I guess you just don't have enough faith in your studies, Potter," Malfoy called after him in a rather nonmoving pun. 

"Oh, very good Mr. Malfoy," Mupplehuppets beamed. Pointing out the shortfalls of your enemies while they're already wounded. Add five points to Slytherin's house total. 

"But you've already awarded Slytherin the maximum points possible in the first week!" an incredulous Ravenclaw called out. 

"Hmm, you're right. We'll need to add a second column to Slytherin's total in order to tally their points."   
  


Harry walked sullenly down the corridor after class, trying to look as pitiable to the female students walking by as he could. 

Ron Weasley attempted to cheer him up. "Don't let it get to you Harry. She gave me a C on my paper about how magic helps people of different cultures reconcile their differences. She said the real meaning of intercultural dialogue was to impress upon other your beliefs, not to incorporate theirs." 

"Thanks Ron, but if things keep going this way, I don't see how they'll let me stay on the Quidditch team to inflate my insecure ego." 

"Oh don't worry about that, they'd never think about taking your Seeker spot, especially since you've saved the school from disaster five times at the hands of the greatest foe wizard kind has ever known." 

"Yeah, but they always seem to forget about that at the beginning of every year, somehow," Harry said in his best self-pitying voice. 

"Hey guys," a hurried voice called from behind. They turned to see Hermione Granger running up in a fit of worried hysteria. "Hagrid needs us right away. He's having some problem out by the woods!" The three hurried off, performing their usual determined stride to signify to the other students that they were going to handle some impending crisis. 


End file.
